cashew | All right, let me embarrass myself with my terrible Chinese (Reply)

Warning: This is going to involve a lot of Chinese composition because I'm trying to make a point about the terrible writing in Honkai: Star Rail. I'm going to switch back and forth between English and Chinese a lot, because that's what's easiest for me. I'm not going to bother translating. You can translate yourselves if you're curious what I'm blathering out.

I'm going to use Yanqing's monologue as an example of HSR's shitty writing and how it could be improved using middle school level language skills. Here's the monologue:

【【崩铁2.4剧情】开拓续闻「明霄竞武试锋芒•上」全剧情流程（完结撒花）】【精准空降到 20:08】

The monologue uses the explanation of the martial battleground as a segue into Yanqing's character to deliver two points:

Yanqing trains very, very hard, but he never considered the training boring because for him swinging a sword is the most fun thing he can be doing.
Yanqing got his ass handed to him and lost his confidence, but in talking with Jiaoqiu, he's regained his confidence or at least is determined to do so.

Both of these points are better off given to us via dialogue rather than have Yanqin monologue at the audience. For the first point, this can be done through a conversation with someone not Yanqing, because bragging about how hard working you are basically looks terrible. My suggestion, have Jiaoqiu talk to Jing Yuan, squeezed into something of a "casual" conversation while Jiaoqiu is trying to get a feel of where Jing Yuan stands and what his character is like because, y'know, they're investigating the guy.

Example (warning bad amateur writing ahead):

椒丘：“将军任彦卿小弟为三月小姐的师傅，可曾有虑？”

景元：“医士此言何意？”

椒丘：“毕竟彦小弟年少，怕是不能胜任。若是三月小姐学不得，怕是对罗浮及将军的名声……”

景元：“呵呵，劳烦医士多忧了。彦卿虽是总角之年，却已有屡屡战功。况且，我那徒弟勤奋好学，每日挥剑万次，刺击万次，如此复日，从未叫苦。其他孩童贪图玩物、打闹，但彦卿却以习剑为乐，甚比前剑首执着剑术有胜而无不及。为剑师者，彦卿乃上上人选。”

Boom, we've established Yanqing is hard working despite being quite young, loves training from the depth of his heart, and the General trusts him enough to let him protect Luofu's reputation. It also helps explain why this annoying little shit is following the General around, because the General sees some kind of amazing martial talent (that we the audience aren't privy to). The dialogue is also casual enough to insert into a veiled interrogation.

Moving onto to point 2, establishing that Yanqing does have some qualms about being the Luofu representative, again, this ought to have been delivered via dialogue rather than monologue. I would have Jiaoqiu continue his trolling/bullying of Yanqing and through the back and forth show how Yanqing regains his confidence:

椒丘：“小兄弟被命罗浮守擂人，可曾有悸？”

彦卿：“椒丘先生有言直说便是。”

椒丘：“擂台虽不比战场，但守擂人必应万方挑战。彦小弟身为云骑，背负云骑军武德之表；身出罗浮，则身负罗浮安宁之责；亦是神策将军唯一弟子，固负有将军之期待。层层重任压服小小身躯，怎能不无顾忌？”

彦卿：“承蒙先生关心。小弟还未出师，也确有败记，曾被高人剑术所遏，确实心有余悸。但习剑之人应以自强剑术为乐，不可因与他人有距便退而不前。身为云骑，愿立战功，更愿保百姓、卫罗浮。师傅信得过才命我罗浮守擂人，若我此时还有顾忌，便是辜负了师傅的施教之恩。彦卿能有此念，乃与先生畅谈之果。在此拜谢先生了。”

Now this back and forth allows an outsider to establish what kind of concerns Yanqing ought to have, and having Yanqing confirm those worries but then come back with a response to each issue shows that Yanqing is a deeply thoughtful person who isn't just about chasing after vapid valor.

Yes, it's more stage-y than modern vernacular, but for fuck's sake, the game is literally having Yanqing monologue for two minutes straight! Break that shit up!