Does Not Obey the Laws of Physics

Unsurprisingly, luxury pen seller justifies spending thousands on luxury pens. And I do mean thousands. For example, this completely normal looking fountain pen's price on their website:

Over $4000?! Are you fucking kidding me?

And their justification why luxury pens are "worth it"?

[T]he vast majority of naysayers are simply distracted because they are comparing apples to oranges. Nobody buys a luxury pen because they can’t find a pen in the junk drawer to jot down their grocery list. ... The best luxury pens bring an entirely different set of traits and advantages to the table, like artistry and premium materials.

Yeah, no. Fuck you. If I want art I'll go put money in some starving artist's hands by purchasing their prints or sculptures or whatever. I'll find my local pen maker and give them my business. Something stamped out by a machine is not art. Fuck you.

A pen is a tool first and foremost. A pen that cannot satisfy being a good tool is a pen failed. Fuck your artistry. Of course we like our tools to look nice while still retaining their tool capabilities, hence why we pick a lime green power sander over the dull black or slather decals all over our car or select the bowl that has a cute cat rather than the blank white one. But we are not spending thousands of dollars for a pretty design. Not on our fucking tools.

I might be a huge proponent of using fountain pens, but fuck this capitalist trying to sell you a bridge.

So, I was looking at new fountain pens (as I am wont to do whenever I'm feeling a bit under the weather), when I re-read the The Beginner's Guide to Fountain Pens By a True Beginner. While there are some generally good advice, especially the bit about the under appreciated impact of inks, I think it still over looks some pretty critical variables. Also, I disagree with the recommended fountain pen starters, so there's that.

Thus, here is a list of the most important variables (in no particular order) that I think one ought to balance and weigh when deciding on a fountain pen:

• Nib width: How big do you like to write? Nib width determines line width which determines how big your writing needs to be to be legible. If you like to write big, a thin line will make your writing fade into the paper. If you like to write small, a thick line will make it impossible to decipher the words. So pick your nib width based on your writing size. A good rule of thumb is this: if you prefer wide-ruled paper (>7mm), go with a German Fine; if you prefer college-ruled paper (<7mm), go with a Japanese Fine; if you prefer putting your nose to the paper when writing, go with a Japanese Extra-Fine.

• Grip: Avoid the "step-down". A lot of fountain pens design their pen such that there is a noticeable ridge between where the grip ends and the body begins to accommodate the cap. This ridge is called the "step-down". If your habitual grip lands on this step-down, then you'll really dislike the pen you're using. As such, avoid pens with step-downs until you're more experienced and know that the ridge won't be located at the place you prefer to grip pens.

• Screw cap vs snap cap: The majority of fountain pens are screw caps. However, screw caps have to place threads on the pen barrel, which can interfere with your grip. As a beginner, it's best to go with snap caps until you have a good grasp of your grip location.

• Ink filling/cleaning convenience: While you don't have to clean the fountain pen per se, part of the fun of fountain pens is the ability to use multiple ink colors in the same pen. As such, you'll want a pen that can easily swap out different colored inks. The fastest way to clean a fountain pen is to use a bulb syringe to flush the nib. This is the reason I would recommend a cartridge/converter filling mechanism (aka c/c filler in fountain pen jargon). C/c fillers strike the right balance between ease of cleaning and ease of filling.

• Japanese vs German: Let's be real, the only true contenders in terms of quality fountain pens are the Japanese and German brands. The other brands are fine, perfectly serviceable, but they all fall under either a Japanese nib-size or a German nib-size. Buy a Japanese starter (*coughKakünocough*). Or a German starter. If you want to get more pens in the future, go ahead. If you like your starter, know that whatever improvement from here on out is going to be minimal.

• Ink samples: A lot of people tend to plunge into the fountain pen game by purchasing four/five bottles of ink at the get go. This is a mistake. First, it's expensive. Second, a bottle of ink, even a 30mL bottle, will last years, if not your whole lifetime. A cheaper alternative is to purchase ink samples. Ink samples are more expensive per mL, but you'll avoid getting stuck with a giant bottle of ink that you don't want. Also, make sure to research mountain of ink when you're trying to decide which inks to sample. Once you've found the ideal pairing between ink and pen, then you can get the ink you want wholesale, and if you're not a prolific writer, a single bottle will last your entire lifetime.

  • For reference, my NaNoWriMo draft consumed about 5mL of ink. A 90mL bottle is about 18 NaNo drafts. After about 7 years of switching to fountain pens for my daily journal writing, I've finished two 10mL bottles, half of an 80mL bottle and a 30mL bottle, a quarter of three other 10mL bottles, a fifth of three 50mL bottles, and ~10-20% of two 80mL Noodler's bottles (although I won't buy anymore Noodler's due to antisemitism). I'm pretty sure I don't have to buy any new ink for another decade or two at the least.

• Pen ergonomics: A lot of people over look pen ergonomics when getting a fountain pen. Sure, the heavy metal or delicate filigree or cool shape might look interesting, but how does the pen balance in your hand when writing? Light weight pens with long grip sections are more comfortable to write with, and you'll be more likely to write with the pen if it fits comfortably in your hand.

• Writing surface, aka the paper: While much ado has been made about the quality of the paper, very little has been made about the grid/lines on the writing surface. Line ruled paper is directed at composition with minimal doodling. Dot grid proliferated with bullet journaling, but offers a good flexibility for people who like to intersperse writing and drawing. Square grid is preferred for planners and techos. Blank pages are better for people who prefer complete freedom to draw or scribble at whatever angle. The grid lines will show more or less depending on the ink in your pen and the nib width, so take that into consideration when getting a notebook for your fountain pen.

Let's just say I find these excuses to be bullshit.

I don't know why I'm reading a silly person proudly proclaiming he doesn't use fountain pens like he's being some kind of rebel when fountain pens are already a writing utensil that has fallen out of popularity. There's plenty of good reasons not to use a fountain pen, but the reasons he came up with? Illegitimate.

1. Fountain pens are distracting
   So, he's saying fountain pens are distracting. Except...are they? How unfamiliar with writing must you be that a fountain pen is confusing you? I don't find myself paying attention to my pen in the middle of scribbling down my drafts. Most people who love fountain pens love them precisely because the writing experience is so smooth that they start to forget about fighting the pen and can focus on their writing. This seems to be a very subjective experience that does not jive with most pen users' experience.

2. Fountain pens are too much work.
   Yes, apparently the basic act of filling up a pen with ink is too complicated, too stressful. An act that millions, literal millions, of school children are able to complete without thinking too much is something that is stressing this grown man out. (I say millions because, in many European countries, the fountain pen is mandatory for homework up to high school.) This says more about the writer than it does about fountain pens.

3. Fountain pens are too expensive.
   So, I've addressed this before. Repeatedly. I'm not going to bother blah blah blah again.

Sooooo, are there ever legitimate reasons to not prefer a fountain pen as a stationary nerd? (I've talked a little bit about who shouldn't be thinking about fountain pens before, but that's in the context of Serious Writers™.) Yes, there are plenty of legitimate reasons to not consider fountain pens, but they're certainly not the reasons this Tony guy gave.

Here are some:

1. Absentmindedness. As a person who experienced a father who has locked himself out of the house twice in the span of 30 minutes, lost his glasses after washing his face, left his groceries at the cashier desk, left his wallet at the butcher's, left his phone on the taxi, locked himself out of his office, misplaced his train ticket between the ticket booth and the platform...yeah, maybe don't get him a pen that is meant to be used in the long term. If you're a person who just can't keep track of your stuff to the point that your wife needed to tie your keys to your pants so you don't lock yourself out of the house (true story), then you have a good reason to not get a fountain pen. I would hazard this is not most people. =.=

2. Disabilities. If you have a disability that affects daily function, you have a very good reason to use a different writing utensil. For example, if you are unable to use both hands or have compromised fine motor control, refilling the fountain pen would be mindbogglingly difficult. It would be preferable to use a simple ballpoint/gel pen that you can click in and out.

3. Field work. There is a reason why my PI is very adamant about using pencil in the field. Pencil is waterproof. Pencil does not care about weather conditions. Pencil will write on just about any surface. Pencil writes under water. Pencil does not care about dirt, sand, grit, mud, or whatever nature has in store. Pencil will write in zero gravity. Pencil is the superior writing utensil in the field.

4. Lab work. Ink, all forms of ink whether it's oil or water based, is chemically reactive to common laboratory solutions. This is why lab notes are taken in pencil and transcribed after the session. This is why microscope slides are labeled with pencil and not pen. Pens are banned from labs.

5. Rocket science. A lot of NASA scientists still used fountain pens, but as a rule, it's probably best not to use fountain pens around a rocket for mechanical and chemical reasons. Well...you probably shouldn't be using anything that isn't designated rocket science equipment.

6. Pilots. While fountain pens can be used in the air, it's definitely not ideal. The changing air pressure really messes with a fountain pen and while this can be accommodated by the passenger, the pilot should be focused on flying the plane and not making sure their fountain pen is stored nib up.

7. You mostly autograph things that aren't paper. If you mostly use the pen to sign t-shirts, balls, photos, etc., then a fountain pen is not the tool for you. Definitely get a Sharpie instead.

8. You just prefer something not a fountain pen. Maybe it's the aesthetic. Maybe it's the feel. Maybe it's the grip. Maybe you don't like liquid ink. Maybe you prefer boring black rollerball ink the way Steve Jobs prefers boring black turtlenecks. You just don't feel it for whatever reason and that's OK. Just don't sit there and make up an excuse that reveals your ignorance.

OMFG, why is this...waaaaah! I must figure out how to get this.

Edit to add:
Ah, it's DS-998 from 点石文具 (DianShi Stationary). Time to add this to the list of erasable fountain pens. 😝

You can buy the pen at TaoBao.

Because apparently, I'm just that annoyed at the pen community right now.

• Ebonite feeds are superior.
  No. This myth is the result of fountain pen users knowing nothing about how feeds work. Here's a materials science engineer who designed plastic feeds explaining how to get the same performance from plastic feeds as the ebonite feeds.
  TL;DR — The effectiveness of capillary action relies on the physical properties of the channel's surface, not the chemical make up of the surface. Ebonite feeds are machined, leaving a rougher surface than injection molded plastic, thus providing more capillary action. However, modern plastic feeds rough up the feed channels to achieve the same effect.

• Bigger nibs are more comfortable.
  No. The ergonomics of writing comfort has more to do with the grip girth, barrel weight, and pen balance than a pen's nib size. Long, thick grip sections provide more writing comfort than a short, narrow grip. Lighter materials, like plastics/resins/ebonite/carbon fiber/makrolon are more comfortable to use than heavier materials like brass or steel. This is why the Lamy 2000 is a lot of people's workhorse pens. It combines light weight material (makrolon) with a long, thick grip section (no step down) that can accommodate any grip style. Vintage Parker 51 combined the same principles and is considered one of the most enduring workhorse pens ever designed. As you can see, both pens have tiny nibs.

• Big pens use more material that's why they're more expensive.
  The material cost to the pen manufacturer is pennies on the dollar for sizing up the pen. However, big pens are considered more luxurious, which is what allows the manufacturers to get away with charging exorbitant prices. A steel-nibbed Pelikan M400 is about 20% larger than a steel-nibbed Pelikan M200, but costs 2x (twice) as much. The money is not going into material costs; it's going into the luxury branding.

• Expensive pens last longer.
  Somewhat true, but often not. Brand and model more than price determines how long a pen can last. While there is a general trend of pen makers spending more time making sure their expensive pens pass muster, there are plenty of companies that also focus on making their cheap pens last a long time. Pilot, Platinum, Kaweco, Lamy are well known brands for having very tough, very resilient sub-$30 fountain pens that work and work well for a long, long time. (Pilot Metro, Platinum Plaisir, Kaweco Sport, Lamy Safari are the classic sub-$30 beat-'em-up pens.)

• Fountain pens need more babying than other pens.
  Straight up lies. Do you click your ballpoints back when you've finished writing? Do you cap your rollerballs when you don't need them? Do you wipe the build up goop when using gel pens? That's the level of care you need to put into your fountain pen. Cap when not in use. Fill when ink runs dry. Wipe if ink is creeping.

• Fountain pen needs frequent maintenance to stay in working order.
  Again, no. My $3 fountain pen that I didn't bother washing out for years wrote just fine. No build up. No sticking converters. But I do use my pen every day, so the ink is constantly flowing. But if you are a rare user of the pen, there have been reports of people putting away their Platinum Preppy then picked it up a year later and it wrote like new without any maintenance. That's not to say there aren't a lot of finicky fountain pens, but the low end fountain pens are just as hassle free as your disposable ballpoints.

• Broader nibs are smoother than fine nibs.
  Sort of true. Again, when all else is equal, this is the case. But brand and polish feature much more into the nib smoothness than just tipping width alone. Sailor is well known for having a feedback-y nib, while Pilot is buttery smooth (to the point of being too slick for many). A Pilot F nib is often smoother than a Sailor M nib. If you like the feeling of fountain pens gliding over the paper, get a Pilot pen. If you want to be able to feel the paper's feedback (aka that pencil-to-paper feeling), get a Sailor.

• Smoother is better.
  Actually, it depends on your personal preference. A lot of fountain pen newbies make the mistake of chasing after a smooth nib only to realize $1000 later into their collection that they prefer the feeling of feedback. A lot of newbies mistake feedback for "scratchy". Scratchy is when the nib catches on the fibers of the paper. Feedback is when there is a minute feeling of friction. A lot of times, the nib can reach a state of "too smooth", where the ink gushes out when putting pen to paper and the nib slides uncontrollably over the page. It is actually possible to have too much of a good thing.

• Fountain pens are all about status.
  This is mostly due to the hobbyists skewing the perception of the fountain pen using population. For example, students who don't live in the U.S. use fountain pens for homework and exams. Writers and academics often have one favorite fountain pen that they keep using day in and day out without feeling the urge to buy more. A lot of environmentally conscious people actively choose to avoid disposable pens to reduce their plastic waste. There are plenty of utilitarian reasons to use a fountain pen as your main writing utensil.